Dreams from the Tide Pool
A collection of notes by Lisa TolentinoArchive for Uncategorized
It’s just a job?
One of the sweetest things you can say in life is, I love my job. I’m so glad to be able to say that. Love is funny thing … because it’s not really infatuation; that fades. It’s not really obsession – which yields high anxiety and high expectations that often yield disappointment and pain. It’s more like, “the work” : not easy, but a satisfying challenge that brings growth, awareness, and ultimately, peace.
Someone once told me, “the honeymoon won’t last forever.” It’s true, because what really matters is “the marriage.” Maybe a marriage doesn’t last forever … but what if you give it your best shot – missteps, mistakes and all – and find that the marriage yields things much slower and sweeter than the rush of new beginnings?
A toast to life, loves, and the short time we have together. May it be sweet.
single socks
Cleaning out the closet, I discovered a lot of single socks. It had me wondering where all their pairs went, especially because my place is so small. Mind drifted, and I entertained the thought that these socks maybe just choose to be single. Coupled from birth, they felt like they were too much like their pair … so much so that they lost their sense of sock-self, their independence, and their unique flair. And so they set out to get lost with all the other single socks, heading for the singles bars, nestled behind the washing machine or in the recesses of the closet. Speed sock dating, anyone?
Sometimes, I’ll find two together in my drawer. They are not quite the same, but similar in shade or height. Compatible enough to go unnoticed under a fitted pair of jeans, the knitted complements are just as good as identical twins.
Oh, socks, where art though?
Il Rischio (the risk)
I am learning Italian in hopes that the next time I return, I can hold some kind of conversation beyond, “Hello. How much does that cost? And where is the bathroom?” So I came across an aforismo which I found to be beautiful. It talks about risks – that with an act or a gesture, some part of you is always risked. It is in risking where life is truly lived, where lessons are learned, and love is truly known. Here is its repost from a mailing list.
A ridere c’è il rischio di apparire sciocchi;
A piangere c’è il rischio di essere chiamati sentimentali;
A stabilire un contatto con un altro c’è il rischio di farsi coinvolgere;
A mostrare i propri sentimenti c’è il rischio di mostrare il vostro vero io;
A esporre le vostre idee e i vostri sogni c’è il rischio d’essere
chiamati ingenui;
Ad amare c’è il rischio di non essere corrisposti;
A vivere c’è il rischio di morire;
A sperare c’è il rischio della disperazione e
A tentare c’è il rischio del fallimento.
Ma bisogna correre i rischi, perché il rischio più grande nella vita è
quello di non rischiare nulla.
La persona che non rischia nulla, non è nulla e non diviene nulla. Può
evitare la sofferenza e l’angoscia, ma non può imparare a sentire e
cambiare e progredire e amare e vivere. Incatenata alle sue certezze,
è schiava.
Ha rinunciato alla libertà.
Solo la persona che rischia è veramente libera.
You made me feel X.
I was just thinking about how there are lots of times where I’ve said something that I later regretted. Or, the opposite: I really wanted to say something that I ultimately couldn’t muster up the courage to say. In my experience, it’s the latter, i.e., the things left unsaid, that caused more pain or trouble than the former. So for anyone with a big uncontrollable mouth, kudos to you, because at least in getting the words out, you weren’t afraid to be you, to risk being seen, even if it meant utter rejection.
Here’s a nice article on living more and regretting less, by Joe Robinson of the Huffington Post.
I’ve definitely had my share of lame, embarrassing, or non-repeatable things I’ve said (which, out of my own dignity, I will not list here). However, there have been times when I didn’t speak up or say what I felt needed to be said. It usually feels like my tongue goes dry, my heart beats slightly faster, with a small fire burning inside – all cooped up behind a totally straight face. In the past, I’d just clam** up, and then there would be a couple dozen thoughts to follow after-the-fact.
**(as much as I love clams, they are only good in soup, not conversation)
When I’m aware of what’s happening, I do a quick, What’s the worst that could possibly happen if you were just honest? reality check in my head, and then decide whether it’s worth saying.
Sometimes it happens to opposite effect, where I have a negative trigger-gut reaction, and I do a different kind of check: Is it possible that you could be wrong here? Are you really listening to what is happening, or what’s being said? In this case, I value the space, and I pause to decide if harsh criticism at the tip of my tongue could actually help or hamper the situation. Because it, too, could fall on deaf ears. In which case, I’d feel ignored.
***
Anyways, I digress… what got me to think of this are the words, “Are you going to make me (feel something)?” Or, “You made me feel X.” I find it fascinating, because I used to believe this was possible, that someone could make another person feel X. But maybe it really is another way of saying, “I love you.” Meaning, “You made me feel X … because I really care about you and value what you (do | say).” So what we phrase in blame-like language, is really just another form of, your words or your deeds meant that much to me.
What’s nice about displacing the weight of the blame, is that you can then say, I chose to let that/him/her affect me, because I cared that much. If you desire to care that much, then you can choose to be there … to risk loving or being loved in that way, with all the joy, pain, contradiction and complexity that comes with it. – OR – You can decide to stop caring and truly move on. Let go. If that is your desire.
…
Okay, so what does that have to do with regret, or what was said or unsaid? Maybe it’s that, to have said something – even if it wasn’t the perfect thing, in the way you played it in your mind – it was right, to say something, anything, for that time. And it was the best you could do, or anyone could do, no matter how it came out. You said, you reacted, and you shared, because you cared. Because you loved. And that’s amazing.
Loving Daft Punk’s new album
Nothing to report on here. Just enjoying the music and wanted a link to it. Thank you, Daft Punk, for making this a great Saturday.
urbanSTEW’s Intonarumori wins Grand Prize in Raspberry Pi Design Contest!!
urbanSTEW’s Intonarumori wins Grand Prize in Raspberry Pi Design Contest!!
Just sharing a dream for our art collective, urbanSTEW. We worked all summer and fall, to build six instruments inspired by Luigi Russolo’s Art of Noise – the Intonarumori machines, which translates to “noise makers” in Italian. We made a lot of noise at the Mesa Arts Center in March 2013, and it paid off big in MAKE magazine and MCM Electronic’s first annual Raspberry Pi Design Contest. What a nail biter … I kept checking the page every couple hours, and boy was the wait worth it.
Find more on our Intonarumori here: http://urbanstew.org/projects/intonarumori-noise-machines/
And if you’re based in the greater Phoenix, AZ, area and are interested in bringing them to your site, give our crew a holler!
Venezuelan maracas demonstration
A video for my summer learning reference. I am hunting down a pair of Venezuelan maracas.
Another set of fascinating links on the subject of Joropo style maraca playing.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20101205024203AAMTL3W
Two days away from a defense.
There are very few words to describe what it’s like to be two days away from your defense. It’s not possible to predict how long it will really take to get to this point. For me, it was six years: 1/3 of it wondering what this was, 1/3 of it wondering why this was, 1/6 of the time trying not to look back, and 1/6 of the time finally looking back. It’s different for everyone, I’m sure. Add this to the lifetime leading up to these two hours … There are no words for it. But fortunately, there is music. My feelings are best summed up by Rachmaninov’s Piano Concerto #2 (Berezovsky’s version below). I take comfort in three intense movements, complex, different, self-referential. I guess I’m dramatic like that.
Enjoy, and hope to see you on the other side.
Rachmaninov’s Piano Concerto #2–
Movement 1, Moderato:
Movement 2, Adagio:
Movement 3, Allegro Scherzando:
Counting the hours
There are only so many hours in a day. Some hours seem longer than others. Because those hours flew by so fast you wonder where they went. If I could take three powers from Skyrim for real life, I would probably ask for Slow Time, Archery and Sneak.
* Slow TIme lets you do just that – slow things down while you look around at your normal speed, scanning the environment for openings or for danger. I like to use it to create enough relative space to prepare an arrow and nail the target.
* Archery is fantastic because it lets you aim from a distance, stay out of harms way, and even create a distraction. Plus, if you get good at Smithing and Alchemy, you can make the finest and lightest kinds of bows from Elven metal and special ingredients.
* Sneak is also a favorite, because, like the previous two, it combines both time and space. You buy time walking around enemy lines or hiding from saber tooth cats. And you buy space because the better your sneak, the closer you can get without getting pounced on.
A dragon shout or two is great. You can shout people down, shout for a dragon to help you, shout someone into a frozen crystal. Shouting is supposed to be Skyrim’s version of discourse. I suppose if I had to pick two, it would be the shout for peace (calms wild animals) and shout for clear skies (so you can scale really tall Matterhorn-like mountains).
Now that those are firmly established, there’s got to be a way to apply Skyrim insight to real life…
Dreams from the Tide Pool 